FEARLESS

Mind over matter.... mind over matter.... mind over matter. I have been working diligently to approach today with just the right attitude. I've tried to envision that the cancer-killing drugs and radiation I'll start today are actually purification agents, designed to purge my body of all things less than perfect - including thoughts, feelings, attitudes and past mistakes. I've imagined that at the end of these six weeks, I will have the gift of a clean slate - a new start, something that not everyone gets in life. I've told myself that the oldest child, perfectionist, achiever in me will do this BETTER THAN ANYONE HAS EVER DONE IT BEFORE!

Thanks to my sister-in-law Lori, I'll be sporting the necklace below. By no coincidence it arrived by UPS just minutes after the call in mid-December from my healthcare institution that outlined the rigorous schedule I would begin today (a 13-page itinerary with a total of 56 appointments between Jan. 3 and Feb. 9 including daily radiation therapy, weekly chemo, lab visits, physician visits, exams, etc.). It's actually a scrabble tile with the letter "U" on the back. Lori and I have endlessly played the notorious "Words with Friends"scrabble game (made uber famous by Alec Baldwin) throughout my diagnosis, surgery and recovery. So it was a special, meaningful and perfect gift symbolic of the army of supporters in my camp.

Needless to say as positive as I am trying to be the fact still remains that what I am facing is daunting and damn scary. And once in awhile I give myself just a tiny bit of permission to feel overwhelmed.

So, off I go on this new adventure. It's an opportunity to continue to experience from a patient's viewpoint what should be the world's greatest health care system - but continues to struggle and fall short in quality, safety, patient experience and cost control. My hope is to use this experience to influence what I can down the road in making it a better system for everyone.